If there was one thing I could tell my younger self, it would be:
Your eating disorder is shrinking your life.
For many years I could not acknowledge that I even had an eating disorder.
- “It’s not that bad.”
- “Everyone is encouraging me to lose weight!”
- “It’s healthy to go to the gym and track calories and I feel good.”
It was true for me that focusing on food felt GOOD and like I was in control.
I would feel such rushes from seeing the number on the scale go down, or from having a day of following all of my food rules.
I ate broccoli instead of dessert today? SCORE! That’s a real accomplishment! I would feel a rush of joy.
And the truth is, disordered eating can give more highs and lows than finding a middle ground.
Many of us feel more comfort in the extremes – even though it can feel like an emotional rollercoaster.
I would feel pride in hitting my calorie goal that felt like soaring from a mountain. And I would feel devastation in not losing weight that left me in a pit of despair.
I only knew how to operate in extremes. Anything outside of my typical patterns and rules felt wrong.
I wish I could help my younger self zoom out and see how so much focus on changing my body was actually getting in the way with the things that really mattered to me.
It affected how I showed up at school. I wasn’t able to be fully mentally present. It disrupted healthy relationships and shrank my life. I didn’t have any true friends and could only connect to people through fitness or food.
There is life on the other end of an eating disorder, and it’s big and beautiful.
I have a daughter and loving partner, I run my own business, and I move through the world without the appearance of my body being the main focus.
I believe that you deserve to fulfill your true values and desires for your life, away from the constant focus on food.
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